I am a man who has been married for 13 years and I have three children. About two years ago I left my wife’s bed because my wife had gotten very fat and does not take care of herself.
One and a half years ago I got to know a married woman, and this woman fell deeply in love with me, to such an extent that she left her husband and two daughters and got divorced. Since her divorce she has been very attached to me. So much so that she came from her city to marry me here and visit me and stay with me for a few days (my family are in another city). She calls me every day and gets in touch via e-mail. We agreed several times to get married, but I changed my mind every time out of fear for my children and the breakup of my family. But at the same time I feel very sorry for her, because she sacrificed her life and her daughters for the sake of our happiness together (even though I did not ask her to get divorced). I want to marry this woman, but at the same time I cannot forget that she was the wife of another man before me and she had sex with him. Now I have become religiously committed since Ramadaan, and I do not miss any opportunity to pray in the mosque, and I read Qur’aan and I give charity; my attitude has become excellent compared to what it was before. She has also become much better. But I am afraid before Allaah that I may have been the cause of her first family breaking up, and I want to live with her as a second wife. I am also afraid for my own children if my family breaks up, and I am afraid that I will not be able to forget her first marriage.
I hope that you can advise me because the sense of guilt is killing me and it is affecting my worship. Please note that I can afford to get married.Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
It is very strange to see
people who insist on following the path that leads to doom and destruction.It is very strange to see
people who will sink to any depths for the sake of a fleeting moment of
physical pleasure or illusionary happiness.A person whom Allaah has
blessed with a family and children, then he or she is not content with that,
and rather tries to break up other people’s families and destroy their
happiness.That makes me wonder, what
type of happiness is that person seeking, and what sort of whims and desires
is he or she following?And here you are …you can
no longer see anything in your wife and the mother of your children, except
that she has gotten very fat and dos not look after herself!How strange it is that the
shaytaan can make attractive to people that which Allaah has forbidden, and
divert them by all means from that which Allaah has permitted to them.For whom should your wife
look after herself, when you have forsaken her bed for such a long time and
you did not stop there, rather you decided to go and live in one city when
your wife and children are living in another.Is this how families should
be? Is this how you take care of your family whom Allaah has entrusted to
your care?If it so happens that a man
is not satisfied with one wife, or she falls short in her duties towards
him, then Allaah has made it easier for us Muslims and has permitted us to
take four wives, one of whom may make up for the shortcomings of another, in
return for the husband looking after them and their children, and treating
them all fairly.Meeting one’s needs is not
done by looking at that with which Allaah has blessed other people, or in
which He has favoured them over us, whether that is in terms of a wife,
children or wealth.“And wish not for the
things in which Allaah has made some of you to excel others. For men there
is reward for what they have earned, (and likewise) for women there is
reward for what they have earned, and ask Allaah of His Bounty. Surely,
Allaah is Ever All‑Knower of everything”[al-Nisa’ 4:32]
As Allaah has blessed us
with enough of that which is permissible, then what need do we have of
immoral ways for the purpose of gratification, unless all a man cares about
is pursuing his rrational desires?It was narrated from Abu
Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “He is not one of us who
turns a woman against her husband or a slave against his master.” Narrated
by Abu Dawood (2175); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi
Dawood.Abu Dawood (5170) also
narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever corrupts a man’s wife or
slave is not one of us.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi
Dawood.Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeem
Abaadi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:“turns a woman against her
husband” means by mentioning the husband’s bad qualities in to his wife, or
mentioning the good qualities of a stranger (non-mahram man) to her.‘Awn al-Ma’bood
(6/159).And he said: “The one who
corrupts a man’s wife” means he turns her (against her husband) or makes the
idea of divorce attractive to her so that he can marry her or arrange her
marriage to someone else, and so on.‘Awn al-Ma’bood
(14/52).Shaykh al-Islam Ibn
Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about an imam (leading
people in prayer) who turns a woman against her husband so that she will
leave him and he can be alone with her – can people pray behind him? What is
the ruling on him?He replied:
In al-Musnad it is
narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: “He is not one of us who turns a woman against her husband or a slave
against his master”. So the man’s attempt to separate a woman from her
husband is one of the gravest of sins; this is what the practitioners of
witchcraft try to do all the time, which is one of the worst deeds of the
devils, especially if he turns her against her husband in order to marry
her, as well as persisting in being alone with her, and especially if
circumstantial evidence shows that. Such a man should not be appointed as
imam of a mosque unless he repents, and if he repents, Allaah will accept
his repentance. If it is possible to pray someone else who is of good
character then people should pray behind him and not pray behind the one who
commits immoral actions openly for no need. And Allaah knows best.Majmoo’ al-Fataawa
(23/363).Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah
have mercy on him) said:The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) cursed the one who does
that, and disavowed him, and it is a major sin. If the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade a man to propose marriage to a
woman to whom his brother has already proposed, or to outbid him, then how
about one who tries to separate a man and his wife or slave woman in order
to get be with them. Lovers of physical outward beauty and the pimps who
help them do not see that as a sin, because the lover’s seeking to be with
the one whom he loves and to share her with her husband or master is a kind
of sin and transgression against the rights of others, and that is no less
serious than committing the immoral action itself, if not worse. But the
rights of others are not waived by repenting from immoral actions; although
the rights of Allaah are waived when one repents, the rights of other people
remain in effect and they will have the right to demand them on the Day of
Resurrection. If the husband has been wronged by the corruption of his
beloved (wife) and she has been led to betray him, that is a greater wrong
than taking all of his wealth. Hence this is more upsetting for him than if
his wealth was taken and there is no pain greater than that except shedding
his blood. What a grave sin that is greater than committing the immoral
action itself. If this transgression is done to someone who is out on
campaign (for the sake of Allaah), then the sinner will be made to stand on
the Day of Resurrection, and it will be said to him (the victom): Take from
his hasanaat whatever you wish, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) told us, then he said: What do you think? i.e., what do
you think will be left of his hasanaat? If in addition to that the one who
was wronged was a neighbour, or a blood relative, then the wrongdoing is
compounded, and the wrongdoing includes severing ties of kinship and harming
a neighbour, and no one who severs ties of kinship will enter Paradise, and
neither will one from whose harm his neighbour was not safe.Al-Jawaab al-Kaafi
(p. 14).Turning a wife against her
husband does not only mean pushing her to demand a divorce; rather trying to
play with her emotions and causing her to fall in love with you is one of
the worst kinds of corruption and wrongdoing.Yes, you did something
serious when you got to know this woman and kept in touch with her until you
destroyed her family, and she also did something serious when she fell in
love with someone other than her husband, and asked him for a divorce, so
she destroyed her family herself, and asked for something that was not
permissible for her.It was narrated from
Thawbaan (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a
divorce for no reason, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.”Narrated by al-Tirmidhi
(1187), Abu Dawood (2226) and Ibn Majaah (2055); classed as saheeh by
al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.We hope that by means of
this stern rebuke Allaah will stir the conscience of everyone who reads this
answer and so that they will think about the evil consequences of
transgressing the set limits and taking lightly the matter of contacting the
opposite sex and speaking to them. We have quoted several times the view of
the scholars that this is haraam.See:
26890,
52768,
66266
and 59907.We also hope that this will
prompt both of you to repent sincerely to Allaah and ask Him for forgiveness
for what has happened, and finally to restore people’s rights.You should note that Allaah
accepts repentance from His slaves if it is sincere, and that the door of
His mercy is open and will not be shut until the sun rises from the west. In
many cases a person is better after sinning and repenting from it than he
was before.Allaah says (interpretation
of the meaning):“Say: “O ‘Ibaadi (My
slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds
and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all
sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful.54. “And turn in
repentance and in obedience with true Faith (Islamic Monotheism) to your
Lord and submit to Him (in Islam) before the torment comes upon you, (and)
then you will not be helped”[al-Zumar 39:53-54]
“Truly, Allaah loves
those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves”[al-Baqarah 2:222]
Secondly:
The conditions of sincere
repentance include restoring people’s rights to them, for the accountability
is not waived until the rights are restored and the person who was wronged
takes what is rightfully his in this world, before the Hereafter.What this woman must do is
go back, and try to apologize to her former husband through some of the
people who are close to him. If the matter has to be referred to a qaadi
(judge) he would not allow any marriage contract with this woman, until she
repents and goes back to her husband.It says in al-Mawsoo’ah
al-Fiqhiyyah (5/251):The fuqaha’ stated clearly
that pressure should be put on him and he should be rebuked. The Maalikis
confirmed that the woman who was turned against her husband is permanently
haraam for the one who turned her against her husband, so as to give him the
opposite of what he was trying to achieve and to serve as a deterrent, lest
people take that as a means to corrupt wives.A marriage that begins with
disobedience towards Allaah will usually never be successful, and it will
become a punishment and a burden for the one who did that.If the husband forgives
her, then praise be to Allaah, but if he refuses and does not agree to take
his wife back, then there is nothing wrong with you two getting married in
that case, as long as you feel regret and ask Allaah for pardon and
forgiveness.The majority of scholars
say that the marriage of a man who turned a woman against her husband so
that he would divorce her and then marries her himself is valid, despite the
sin of turning a woman against her husband – which is the correct view,
although some Maaliki and Hanbali scholars disagreed and regarded such
marriages as invalid.In al-Iqnaa’
(3/181), which is a Hanbali book, it says:He said concerning a man
who turns a wife against her husband: he should be punished severely, and
his marriage is invalid according to one of the two scholarly opinions in
the madhhabs of Maalik, Ahmad and others, and they must be separated. End
quote.It says in al-Mawsoo’ah
al-Fiqhiyyah (11/19, 20):The Maalikis are the only
ones who mentioned the ruling on this issue, which is when a man corrupts
the wife of another man in such a way that it leads to her being divorced
from him, then the one who corrupted her marries her.They stated that the
marriage should be nullified, whether consummation has taken place or not,
and there is no difference of opinion concerning that; the only thing
concerning which they differed is whether or not the woman is permanently
forbidden for marriage to the one who corrupted her. They mentioned two
opinions concerning that:1 – The well known view,
which is that the prohibition is not permanent. If she goes back to her
first husband and he divorces her or he dies, then it permissible for the
one who corrupted her to marry her.2 – That the prohibition is
permanent. This view was mentioned by Yoosuf ibn ‘Umar, as it says in
Sharh al-Zarqaani, and more than one of the later scholars in Fez issued
fatwas on this basis.However, fuqaha’ who are
non-Maaliki did not issue any clear ruling on this issue, but the ruling on
it, which is that it is forbidden, may be known from what has been stated
above. End quote.In Kutub A’immah
al-Da’wah al-Najdiyyah (7/89) it says:Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn
al-Shaykh Muhammad (may Allaah have mercy on them both) was asked about a
man who turned a woman against her husband and married her.He replied:
The marriage of the second
man, who turned her against her husband, is invalid and he must leave her,
because he disobeyed Allaah by doing that. End quote.We hope that if you repent
properly and are sincere towards Allaah, then you will be able to marry this
woman, if she first tries to set right what was corrupted in her marriage
with her first husband.As for worrying about the
fact that she had another husband, and they did together what a man and wife
do, this is an idea that is worthless. What is off-putting for a man with
dignity is if a woman soiled herself by having haraam intimate relations. As
for that which Allaah has prescribed and permitted for His slaves, there is
no reason it should be regarded as off-putting!Allaah says (interpretation
of the meaning):“It may be if he
divorced you (all) that his Lord will give him instead of you, wives better
than you ___Muslims (who submit to Allaah), believers, obedient (to Allaah), turning to
Allaah in repentance, worshipping Allaah sincerely, given to fasting or
emigrants (for Allaah’s sake), previously married and virgins”[al-Tahreem 66:5]
Allaah says that there is
blessing in marriage to a previously married woman as much as in marriage to
a virgin.With regard to what you
fear of your children suffering, it is something that may happen when you
marry another wife after your first marriage. What we hope is that if you
marry this woman or any other, that you will not build a new home on the
ruins of your first family, including your first wife and children. Rather
the one who wants to indulge in this experience must have wisdom and
smartness to organize his household affairs and deal with those under his
care; he must treat his wives fairly and give everyone their rights, so that
no one could hold him accountable for any wrongdoing before his Lord.An Arab man who had several
wives was asked how he was able to keep them together. He said: When we were
youthful, that helped by making them patient with me, then I accumulated
wealth that made them continue to be patient, then what is left is kindness
and good treatment. That is what is left and is keeping us together.‘Uyoon al-Akhbaar
(1/396)We ask Allaah to forgive
and guide us and you two.And Allaah knows best.
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